I was, but I am not

“Kat, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I replied as tears welled up in my eyes.

“That’s not true. I need to go to my office, walk with me.”

I’m trying to hold them back, but I’m not successful.

We get to Jesse’s office:

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“I just need to cry it out.”

“Okay baby,” He says as he pulls me in tight. He knows that physical touch is my number one.

I sobbed. I cried so hard I couldn’t control it anymore. That’s when I looked up at him and said:

“I can’t keep pretending I’m okay.”

“I know you’re not, baby, but you will be. I know you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but it’s there, I promise. YOU will be okay. WE will be okay.”

and now, I am okay.

You see, I let things build. They pile up until I can’t take it anymore, and then that happens.

I just lose it.

I wish I could tell you what was going on, and why I was so broken in that moment, but it is still an ongoing situation, so I can’t post quite yet what is truly going on, but just know that you can ask me in person and I will definitely tell you, it just can’t be out there fully right now.

But let me tell you, things are looking up after today.

You see, I was giving the benefit of the doubt in this ongoing situation for quite some time, but in that, I was so afraid of conflict and confrontation that I wasn’t able to stand up for myself…until today.

Today I stood up for myself in this situation that has broken me.

And the people involved in me standing up for myself? They were all on my side. They spoke with grace and truth, and most of all, love.

Before today I was a coward- so afraid of confrontation that I couldn’t even bring myself to get up the nerve to talk to the right people about what’s been going on.

But today I did just that.

I was, but I am not.

I was afraid, but I am not.

I was letting that fear run me, but I am not.

I was lacking clarity, but I am not.

You see, it’s in moments like today where I realize that no matter what I think or feel, fear will always lose. The darkness will always be overcome, even if it takes a whole lot of patience and a whole lot of courage for that to happen.

I was, but I am not.

It’s okay to be, but it’s even better to defeat.

Today light won.

Light always wins.

All to Him I owe.

Training Wheels

You know that saying that goes “it’s just like riding a bike!” 

That’s how I’ve found bliss to be, and life in general, honestly. 

You get to the point where it is so natural and second nature that you can pick it right up again. Or if you fall it’s really easy to get right back up.

I like to think of bliss being like a bicycle. I like to know that I can fall off a few times and feel like I’ve forgotten how to find it, but then pick myself back up, get on, and naturally have bliss again. It makes it easier to think of it on the days where I feel like all is lost when it comes to finding bliss. 

Bliss is never lost. Sometimes you just have to try a little harder to see it! Just like when you haven’t ridden a bike in a couple of years and get back on one to ride around your college campus-you have to try a little harder to know how to ride the bike somewhere you’re not used to. 

I’ve mentioned the transition to adulthood being more difficult than I thought. To start, I didn’t give myself a break post college (I didn’t even give myself a summer break because I took classes instead) which I don’t regret any of that, but I understand now why breaks are good. And then I took a job that sounded great for stability’s steak. The job wasn’t what I thought, so I left for another job, and that’s where I stand now. There’s still a lot I’m trying to figure out, but that’s life! 

Here’s the thing though- I thought I had it all figured out. I was riding a mountain bike up big mountains. I was conquering fears and life was easy because I know who I am and what I want to do in life! 

I’m an optimist and a planner, so trust me when I say, it felt good when I thought I had it all figured out. 

But life isn’t centered around my plans. It’s centered around God’s plans for me. And I have a tendency to want to plan and to know what’s up ahead, which usually ends up in me making a choice that gives me a mountain to climb or a struggle to really find bliss. Every single time I just let go and let God control the situation, it turns out even better than I could dream of. 

And the more I realize that, the more I realize that while I thought I was riding a mountain bike, the whole time I was riding a bike with training wheels. 

The transition to adulthood is when the training wheels came off. 

And that’s why I’ve felt like I’m going to fall over. That’s why I’ve been afraid to move in one direction. Because I’m afraid to fall since those training wheels came off. 

But here’s what happens when your training wheels come off: 

You get really wobbly.

You finally balance yourself.

You get the strength to move forward.

You wobble.

You fall off.

You get right back on and keep going until you’ve gotten your balance right.

Think back to when you rode a bike with the training wheels off. Really think about it. Did you fall? I did.

But something I always tend to forget about that whole training wheel experience is that I wasn’t alone. My parents were standing there the whole time. They made sure I felt comfortable and then they let me go because they knew that WHEN I fell (not IF I fell) I would be okay. 

Just like God is there for us in life and in finding bliss. He makes sure we are comfortable but He lets us go and lets us experience the instability and fear-because that’s what grows us. That’s what shapes us, and at some point you have to take off those training wheels. 


There are 125 days until I marry my best friend, and that brings me bliss. 

My days and my weeks can go up and down like a roller coaster. They can emotionally drain me and elate me, but in the midst of it all, every day gets a little bit better because I get a little bit closer to being made one through Christ with the man I love. 

Words can’t describe how ready I am. 

He’s really been such a blessing for me since I met him, but this past year really took it to a whole new level. He told me that the wreck didn’t speed up his proposal, but it affirmed in that moment that he wouldn’t want a life without me. I cried when he told me that because of how sweet and thoughtful it was. 

He’s really been a rock for me throughout all of this transition and through all of the anxiety. He knows what to say and how to act and when to say it all. It’s really a wonderful thing. 

Don’t get me wrong, he’s not perfect, and neither am I. We are constantly learning how to be better for each other and we are always growing. 

But in the midst of anything, he’s there. He has held my hair while I threw up. He has washed my face off. He has bandaged my wounds and held my hand while I cried. He has let me sob on his shoulder and fall asleep on the couch while watching our favorite shows. He has been my biggest cheerleader. He tells me it’s okay when I feel like it’s not. He has supported any and every decision I’ve made and encouraged me to make the ones I’ve been afraid of. He stands up for me when I won’t do it for myself. 

And he loves me. Despite any mood I’m in. He loves me. He chooses me and pursues me time and time again, and sometimes I really wonder why. I wonder how I am so blessed to get to marry him. 

So many people wanted him, but he chose me. 125 days can’t come soon enough, and I know I tell him a lot, but he can’t hear it enough-how much I love him. 

Sometimes days throw a lot at me, but at the end of it all I can go to sleep with a smile on my face because I have someone cheering me on, loving me, and making it known that there is and always will be bliss. 

I love you deeply through Christ, Jess, and can’t wait to be your wife ❤️ thank you for bringing me bliss no matter what else the days throw at me! 

Day off

My post yesterday got the most views of any post I have ever had! That’s really exciting and humbling, but I just want to throw out there that God is the writer here, not me. He’s really good at putting words into my mouth, and honestly, I learn more about myself writing this blog than I would without it.

I seriously appreciate all of the views and support I’ve gotten over bringing my blog back! You all bring me such bliss :) 

With that being said, I wanted to somewhat take the day off of blogging, but I wanted to explain why for those of you who for some reason, actually follow what I say daily: yesterday’s post was really heavy and took a lot out of me to write. It wasn’t just heavy word wise, it weighed pretty heavily on me, and I think that it would be best if I just took the day off from writing a true blog post. Soak in what was said, and I will too. I’ve gone back to read it like three times because it’s helped me cope with the wreck more. 

So, enjoy the day off of heavy reading! 

In the Wreckage



It happened so quickly my mind couldn’t even process it.

In fact, 365 days later my mind is still processing it.

It comes and goes in bits and pieces, trying to form the whole accident over and over again.

It is spurred by triggers- like the sound of water under my car, the slush of water hitting up off of the back of big trucks, 18 wheelers being close, hard rain, or if I hear the word “Car accident” too much. 

But I’m learning how to handle the flashbacks. I’ve learned that if I don’t let myself see the events again I go into panic. My body goes into fight mode.

But if I let my mind replay it again (put on your seatbelt) :

I look into the rearview mirror to see what’s behind me since I can barely see two feet in front of me. I see the 18 wheeler. It’s on my tail. I don’t feel safe. My heart begins to race. We’re going down a hill. It’s too close. I don’t like it. I move into the right lane. Somewhere in the middle I looked over at Jesse. I know I did because he brings me comfort. We get into the right lane. We hit something slick. I can’t control the car. Jesse’s hand reaches over and grabs the wheel. I look to my left, see something really white. Hear a huge crashing/ cracking sound. “I love you, God.” All the while Jesse is telling me what to do:
“Slowly apply the break, Kat. Okay, good. You’re doing a good job. Okay, baby, ease off of the road, but don’t slam the break, okay? Okay, you’ve got it, Kat. You’re doing great. Okay, now take your foot off of the break.”
I don’t remember my body making the movements, but I remember hearing it and doing what I was told. I wasn’t there. I really wasn’t. My body was moving but I couldn’t feel it. I felt like everything around me was frozen until we stopped the car.
My head is down. I don’t know why it was down. I don’t know how it got there. I don’t even remember the glass breaking or my eyes closing, but I know it all happened.
I slowly lift up my head and look over to my right. Jesse is there. He’s all in one piece. I can see him, so I must be okay. But am I okay? 
I asked him if I was dying because that’s what I automatically assumed since we hit an 18 wheeler. 
He tells me I’m okay. I see blood. Lots of it. I ask him if my head is bleeding and point to the side of it.
“No, baby, your head is okay. Your nose is bleeding, but it’s okay. You’re okay. I promise you’re going to be okay.”
How did he keep so calm? 
I look over and see my hand sliced open. Lots of blood. I don’t do blood.
I start freaking out. My hand is bleeding. I CAN SEE MY BONE (it wasn’t my bone. It was my tendon hanging out). 
That’s when the pain hit. I didn’t even feel pain until I saw it.
He gets me out of the car on his side. People come over. Ask if we’re okay. Say nice things.
I’m dizzy. Really dizzy. 
Jesse is taking off of his shirt and then wraps his undershirt around my hand. I keep saying how badly it hurts. 
They tell me to lie down. It’s muddy. I’m cold. It’s wet. My hand hurts. I’m scared. Am I dying? 
The ambulance gets there. Jesse holds my good hand. Walks me to it.

I see it all clear as day. 

My face healed in a week. My hand took longer. I had three pieces of glass inside of my hand that I had surgery to remove, but that all healed up really well! I’m missing a tenon. Apparently it was “obliterated,” but “it’s okay because God made two there!”

My scar looks good and cool and I have a huge story I get to tell.

But the wreckage. That’s where I stand. 

My hand might be healed, but my mind still has open wounds. 

It takes time, I know. It’s been 365 days. But I know that God will pull me through it.

Don’t get me wrong, there has been a LOT of progress. Just the other day I willingly chose to drive on the interstate. That’s literally the first time I have driven on the interstate by choice.

I still have a long way to go, but it’s about patience and about baby steps.

But let me tell you, the wreckage isn’t easy. It isn’t fun, but it is growing.

I might mentally struggle, but spiritually I am maturing.

It takes a lot of relying on Jesus. A LOT of patience and a LOT of hope. 

Because God ALWAYS wins, and He will win with this battle, too. 

I’m going to be honest. In my life I’ve been through a lot of things that have given me good stories, but in those things, I’ve always just kind of struggled through them and shrugged them off.

This car wreck is the first time in my life I have ever been left asking God “Why?”

Not the wreck itself. It happened. I didn’t ask God why it happened because I knew that He was going to use it for His good! No issues there.

But the anxiety. That’s what I’ve asked God about a lot. WHY do I HAVE to struggle with this? It’s too tough. I will NEVER get back on that interstate, especially in rain. WHY won’t you just answer my prayers and take it away?

I think when I was younger I never asked God why because I wanted the answer that I wanted. I knew that I might not get what I want, so I just avoided asking the question.

But this time, this time I let myself ask it, and I’m glad I did.

Because God has answered my question by not giving me a clear answer. He has answered it by allowing me to grow and mature and trust in Him and Him alone. 

The only way I can find true comfort in a panic attack is listening to worship music. That’s literally the only thing that will pull me out of it.

Asking God “why?” made me get that it’s not about why. I don’t need a clear cut answer. It doesn’t matter why the anxiety is happening. 

What matters is how I’m getting through it and what I’m doing with it.

That’s what matters.

Because there is BEAUTY in WRECKAGE. Don’t you see that?

Because wreckage makes you vulnerable.
And vulnerability makes you approachable.
And being approachable brings people out of their shells.
And when people are out of their shells with walls down, that's when God uses you to move.

It’s not about why.

It’s about what you’re doing with it. 

So let me tell you what I’m doing with my anxiety-

I’m talking about it, now. I’m boasting in my weaknesses. I’m being honest with those around me, but more importantly, with myself.

It’s been 365 days and I have driven on the interstate by myself ONCE.

I have panic attacks.

I have flashbacks.

And recently, my doctor prescribed me anxiety medicine.

You see? My life is not perfection like I sometimes try to portray.

I haven’t taken it yet, and I haven’t decided if I will or not, but I have it.

Because sometimes healing is about taking a step back from ourselves and realizing we CAN NOT do it on our own.

And maybe I’ve been trying too hard to be brave.

Because I’m not brave.

God is brave.

and He makes me brave.

So that’s where I stand 365 days after the most traumatic and terrifying event of my life.

I stand in the wreckage.

Willing to admit to anyone willing to read this that I can’t do it on my own and I haven’t been doing it on my own.

Just ask Jesse. Ask my family. Ask my friends. Ask my pastor.

They all know. They’ve all seen it.

The shortness of breath- the glazed over eyes. The panic attacks. The brokenness.

But God has a purpose for it. I might be facing open wounds, 
but I have the ultimate healer on my side. 

And in that, there is bliss.

There will always be bliss.

Even in the wreckage.

You just have to CHOOSE to see it. 


Today was a glimpse into post-married life, and let me tell you, it’s going to be incredible!

I already knew that it would be, but days like today validate it.

There’s a lot of bliss in the little moments. The big ones, too, but it’s the little things that are so often overlooked.

Today I was off work and Jesse had the ability to work from home, so we spent the morning running errands and the afternoon was spent with me painting and him working in the same room. This evening we had our Financial Peace University Class. It was a really, really nice day!

Today was a good break from reality.

We spend so much of our time running from place to place to place, and today there was a little bit of that, but there was a lot of down time that we just got to soak in each other’s presence.

Quality time is high up there when it comes to my love language, so days like today really bring me bliss.

I actually spent a lot of today struggling through my anxiety because there was a good bit of driving in the rain, but even that was overshadowed by the little things.

Because little things add up to be bigger than even the best sometimes.

The anxiety was also overpowered by Jesse. He’s such a comfort when it comes to that. He knows how to deal with it and how to pull me through it.

So, Jess, thank you. Thank you for sticking by my side through it all. Through the worst of it and the best of it. Thank you for holding my hand and reminding me time and time again to breathe. Sometimes breathing is the hardest part, and you make sure I don’t forget how. Thank you for being patient and kind. For simply putting your hand on my knee when you know I just need to feel you there. Thank you for loving me deeply and unconditionally, because I know sometimes I don’t make it easy. Thank you for giving me the quality time that I need and for loving me so selflessly. You give up a lot for me, and I don’t tell you enough how much it means to me. Thank you for making reality easy, even when it’s tough and for reminding me where my worth comes from time and time again. 

Thank you for laughing with me, for crying with me.

Thank you for affirming me and always being there.

Thank you, most importantly, for living out the image of Christ daily and for encouraging me to do the same.

Thank you for being the better half of this soon to be marriage.

All-in-all, I’m thankful for days like today. Days where bliss comes so easily, so freely.

Freely we receive, so freely we must give.

Today I found bliss in getting to witness what #marriedlife will be like.

But until June 25, I’m gonna keep finding bliss in engaged life, because that life is fun, too.

Jess, I love you and can’t wait to be your wife. Thanks for making every day fun and worth it. You are truly the best!

May you find bliss in the little things today.


5 miles   

It only took 5 miles.

In five miles I found iridescent bliss. 

That shining happiness.

Radiant joy. 

It only took 5 miles because I decided to take that 5 miles on my own.

 No one pressured me. 

I looked to my right to Jesse and told him “I’m going to need you to help me in a couple of minutes.” So that’s what he did, he helped me. He encouraged me. 

Today I stepped far out of my comfort zone.

Today I found bliss in something I had lost all hope in. 

Today, nearly 365 days since that life changing February day where we hydroplaned into an 18 wheeler,

 I WILLINGLY drove on the interstate. 

I can’t begin to describe to you the joy I felt making it without having a panic attack. 

I didn’t even cry this time. 

Today Jesus gave me courage and courage brought me bliss. 

Some days it only takes 5 miles. 

Soak in those days. Cherish that joy. 

Today fear lost.