“Kat, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I replied as tears welled up in my eyes.
“That’s not true. I need to go to my office, walk with me.”
I’m trying to hold them back, but I’m not successful.
We get to Jesse’s office:
“Hey, what’s going on?”
“I just need to cry it out.”
“Okay baby,” He says as he pulls me in tight. He knows that physical touch is my number one.
I sobbed. I cried so hard I couldn’t control it anymore. That’s when I looked up at him and said:
“I can’t keep pretending I’m okay.”
“I know you’re not, baby, but you will be. I know you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but it’s there, I promise. YOU will be okay. WE will be okay.”
and now, I am okay.
You see, I let things build. They pile up until I can’t take it anymore, and then that happens.
I just lose it.
I wish I could tell you what was going on, and why I was so broken in that moment, but it is still an ongoing situation, so I can’t post quite yet what is truly going on, but just know that you can ask me in person and I will definitely tell you, it just can’t be out there fully right now.
But let me tell you, things are looking up after today.
You see, I was giving the benefit of the doubt in this ongoing situation for quite some time, but in that, I was so afraid of conflict and confrontation that I wasn’t able to stand up for myself…until today.
Today I stood up for myself in this situation that has broken me.
And the people involved in me standing up for myself? They were all on my side. They spoke with grace and truth, and most of all, love.
Before today I was a coward- so afraid of confrontation that I couldn’t even bring myself to get up the nerve to talk to the right people about what’s been going on.
But today I did just that.
I was, but I am not.
I was afraid, but I am not.
I was letting that fear run me, but I am not.
I was lacking clarity, but I am not.
You see, it’s in moments like today where I realize that no matter what I think or feel, fear will always lose. The darkness will always be overcome, even if it takes a whole lot of patience and a whole lot of courage for that to happen.
I was, but I am not.
It’s okay to be, but it’s even better to defeat.
Today light won.
Light always wins.
All to Him I owe.